Wednesday 19 November 2014

I see U


 
There’s been some ‘complications;’
so I’m shown into a room
where they tell me:
‘It’s like a deep sleep.’
 
Then they bring me in and
I see you
and I see what they mean.
And I swear
I’ll never close my eyes again
‘til you open yours.
 
Eyes peeled
days and nights,
the world’s suspended,
the end: open-ended;
so I pray to any (and every)
god, angel; demon.
That you open your eyes again;
I dream on.
 
Rainforest symphony
of beeping life-support machines
walls stained with ‘Intensive Care Unit’
broken dreams.
 
I beg for one more chance to say:
‘I love you’
to say
‘I’m sorry;’
‘Thank you;’
‘I’m here;’
 ‘I see you;’
and not this cut-up body
covered-up, tubed-in and wire-laden
inside the ICU.
 
Wish I could show you we’re still together
even though you’re gone.
 
‘She’s on full support,’ they say,
arms out, palms up,
nurses look blurry
through eyes fogged up.
 
We both live a slow death
inside the final ward,
where respirator’s violent blows
blast your chest as if from below
and every passing second crawls
and yet hours, days -and a lifetime- draws
closer and closer
to a stall.
 
‘Perfusion,’ ‘infection,’ ‘analysis,’ ‘dialysis,’ new disease;
My heart breaks again, and again
then it tears long and deep it bleeds
with every new term.
 
‘Have you got kids?’
they ask.
‘No’
I murmur with deep regret.
‘Oh good’
is their insane reply;
but I know they’re right
-at least our kids won’t watch you die.
 
‘One ventricle is showing signs of strain.’
they tell me, yet again.
‘She’s a collapsed lung,’
and I wonder how long
you’ve got,
we’ve got.
 
And I talk to you.
And I wait for you.
 
Om Triyambakam…
I do what I can,
and I’ll accept anything,
except what’s actually happening.
 
In the movies, patients just wake up;
but real life is real death,
and you just hang by a thread
while other ‘coma’s’ in nearby beds
beep-out daily instead.
 
At night, outside,
a Siva moon
shines her spotlight
on my doom.
I curse our stars and wait
for our turn,
but it doesn’t come…
 
And one day,
they say,
-as if remarking on the weather-
‘Yeah; she’s responding to the treatment,’
and somehow, I escape bereavement.
 
Eventually,
I get to see you
open your eyes and leave the I.C.U.
 
Copyright © Francisco Rebollo 2014
 
 

Wednesday 8 October 2014

The ‘Flower of Twenty’ and the ‘Day of the Dead’


 
 

            In Mexico, on the ‘Dia de Muertos’ or ‘the Day of the Dead,’ Cempasuchitl flowers can be found everywhere.
            Bright orange glow spills out of their petals on to large paper-Mache skeletons, they adorn candy skulls made form cast-sugar and chocolate, and they frame ‘Dead Man’s Bread’ on the family table. 
            The Cempasuchitl are tied into flower-chains, displayed in large pots or laid on the ground alongside lit candles like a golden rug around ‘ofrendas’ (altars to the dead.)
            The native Mexican word for the Marygold hides an important meaning: ‘Cempasuchitl,’ or: ‘Cempoal-Xochitl;’ means ‘Flower of Twenty’ -some say it’s because of its 20 petals.
            The flower was the ideogram for the number twenty; and twenty was a special number to the Mexica -known in Europe as ‘Aztecs.’ Twenty was the base of their arithmetic and calendar systems.
            ‘20’ was to them, what ‘10’ is to us today.
            The Mexican ‘Flower of Twenty’ or ‘Cempasuchitl’ was believed to contain the very heat and light of the sun inside each crown of orange and yellow petals. The light inside the Cempasuchitl was believed to be visible to the departed, and -on the Day of the Dead- it would illuminate the way back to their former earthly abode. Once there, the deceased would find her (or his) picture alongside images of dancing skeletons all dressed up for the ball. 
            Some say that: “Mexicans like to mock death.”
            Well, we certainly choose to laugh at life, especially when the only other option is to cry; and even when things are good, it sometimes seems that earthly existence is but a long awkward moment.
            Like that clumsy, bump on the forehead as you try to look out at a beautiful sunset through a greasy window.
            Sometimes I think that life after death could be just as messy and awkward as this life.
            I may have my indigenous ancestors to thank for this.
            Aztecs had not only one, but two ‘gods of the dead,’ ‘Mictlantecuhtli,’ and his wife; ‘Mictecacíhuatl’ who –like any other married couple- kept themselves company by doing each other’s heads in, while barely staying together throughout an eternity down in the underworld.
            After being welcomed by the lovely couple, the souls of the recently-expired found out their fate. Those who died of natural causes could make themselves at home in the underworld, those who drowned became part of an eternal ‘Waterworld,’ and lastly; a temporary heaven inside the sun awaited men who died in battle and women who died while giving birth.
            These dead men and women could then return to earth in the shape of the flower-drinking hummingbird, a sacred animal.
            The Spanish had never seen a hummingbird until they came to the ‘New World.’ They marvelled at the bird and called it: ‘the flying jewel.’ They captured as many as they could, and sent their colourful feathered skins to Europe, creating an unsustainable demand for more skins and causing the death of many millions of these birds.
            So, it was back to square-one for the brave reincarnated souls.
            It seems in Mexico, life is always spilling into death and death is always splashing back onto life.
            On the Day of the Dead, this thin boundary between life and death becomes even fainter, as the departed souls of relatives are thought to be closer to the living than on any other day of the year.
            Even though the Cempasuchitl will light the way for the visiting spirits, some families are eager to save the deceased the trouble of the journey back, and so they venture into the ‘Panteones’ (Graveyards) not only with Cempasuchitl flowers and candles, but with food, guitars and even Tequila.
            Mexicans could easily use the modern Spanish word ‘cementerios’ for graveyards; but they choose to use the older word: ‘Panteones,’ maybe it’s because in its Greek root the word means: ‘all the gods’ as in: ‘the more the merrier’–but to keep things Catholic: ‘Diosito’ (the God,) his son Jesus, the Virgin of Guadalupe, and the lesser saints are also invited to the Day of the Dead party.
            During this eclectic graveyard picnic, people will lovingly decorate their dead relatives’ graves and then sit down to chat to them or amongst themselves for hours on end. As night sets, they’ll light up a small constellation of candles and listen to the sounds of rosary prayers blend in with the chords and singing of Mariachi music. A bottle might get passed around while children eat candy and play on the burial ground of relatives they never met.
            The sugar skulls children bite into are decorated with common first-names like ‘Maria’ or ‘Francisco;’ or popular sayings like: “Como te ves, me vi, y como me ves, te verás…” (The way you look now, I once did; and as I look now, so will you.)
            This is supposed to be Mexicans ‘laughing at death’ as the cliché goes. As a Mexican, I’m not so sure that’s meant to be funny; this saying is certainly a cute and welcome reminder of our own impermanence; but the question it has always raised in my mind is… ‘When?’
            When, will I look like you? Oh, sugar skull with my name on it? (With my name on it minus the chocolate letters because they’re the tastier ones and I always eat them first.)
            I hope I don’t look like you too soon –to be honest.
            Maybe we’re trying to hide the fact that in Mexico death has never really been a laughing matter.
            In distant times the appalling practice of human sacrifice helped an elitist Aztec theocracy keep millions of souls under control and was of such a scale that it horrified even the blood-soaked, iron-hearted conquistadores from across the sea.
            Since those days, them and others have continued the mass sacrifice, disguised as ‘Conquista,’ ‘Colonia,’ ‘Independencia,’ ‘Manifest Destiny,’ ‘Revolución,’ and mass emigration.
            Present-day Mexico is still no place to laugh at death. In the grip of a drug war imposed upon the people by local drug cartels, the Mexican government and the international demand for drugs; life is cheap… crazy cheap; but death is always expensive; and no one laughs at the price.
            In the country of sugar skulls and sun-containing flowers, it makes sense that death be life’s shackled shadow, as near to it as night is to day; and so when you can taste the sunset just around the corner, you can only pray for sweet dreams and a free hummingbird’s paradise.
            On the Day of the Dead we remind ourselves not only that death is not the end, but also that being crazy and care-free right now is essential to maintaining sanity; because we’re all headed towards that candle-lit night; when children will play above ground asking about who we were, making our surviving relatives airbrush our frowns and growls out of anecdotes and stories about us, and our days on earth.
            In a typically Mexican circular way, the Day of the Dead also suggests a forgotten life before birth. Because life in Mexico is desperately and comically flawed- but it’s also mysterious and constantly renewing itself.
            As I ponder on the meaning of the Cempasuchil flower, it’s sad that while growing up over there I didn’t actually know the true meaning of its name.
            In everyday life in Mexico City, the only remnants of the native language of the Aztecs survive in the names of neighbourhoods and of the surrounding mountains, or as a part of a wider ‘Mexican history’ class in schools.
            Growing up in Mexico, the ‘Nahuatl’ language was almost a foreign language to my generation; even more so than the English that has opened doors for me throughout my life.
            Things are changing, and that’s why, the ‘Day of the Dead’ itself is having to fight off its own death these days.
            A mighty rival illegally crossed the border southbound a few decades ago. Armed with spider-man costumes, sneaker’s mini-chocolate bars and carved pumpkins, Halloween ‘trick or treating’ is always gaining ground against the traditions of displaying the Cempasuchitl, of eating sugar skulls and of leaving ‘Dead Man’s Bread’ crumbs on the great-grandparents’ plot.
            How interesting it seems that Halloween comes from the Irish ‘Samhain,’ the autumnal festival during which the doors into the world of the dead were considered to be open for a while.
            How just it seems also, that the pumpkin, the sugar candy and the chocolate of Halloween are as native to Mexico as the humble Cempasuchitl ‘flower of twenty.’
            So, ‘Failte’ Halloween, mi casa es tu casa.
 

 
 
 
 
 

Tuesday 26 August 2014

At Freedom’s Edge




 

I lean in, to hear

her whispering storm,

tasting freshly-smeared wax

seeing salty rain splash

her sunlit cave

as her surge sprays back.

 

I paddle and make it just over

the ridge,

barely get through

flying upwards,

pulling G’s,

kissing her long-lost

lips’ mysteries.

 

Flicking me weightless

again the rain licks

my face,

on the back of her flow

with a deafening splash,

as I slide down her back side,

and finish safely outside;

already craving to go

inside her once more.

 

She invites me in,

my reason for being.

At freedom’s edge;

far from the world

and yet barely at sea.

 

I sit up and I see

white horses

swimming ‘round me,

talking softly,

showing me

the swell building up

in the gold-spill glow

of the fleeing sun.

She’s calling my name

once more.

 

Lookin’round I check,

and find myself alone;

my face full of rising moon,

busy dodging clouds

built like cotton balloons.

 Yes, ‘alone…’

 is where I’m from.

 

The foam on the wind,

the salt in my eye,

the sky bruised twilight;

remind me of why

I love to be the last one to leave,

as the chill hits the water

and numbs my sunken feet.

 

This is who I really am:

Wet, cold, happy and bobbing around

and it so… makes me glad

that I have lived this long;

kind of makes me feel young.

 

Yes, this is why, I even still try;

why I’ve paddled so long,

the choppy waters of life.

It’s in this very moment,

someday,

the way I’d like to die.

 

But right now…

she’s coming

this way.

 

I sink the tail

I pivot, turn

I try to time it right and aim.

She pulls and

I feel her sweet gravity;

my heart’s outside my mouth

faster, louder.

She picks me up,

I push down and pop

as she breaks, we fly

forward and slide

to the side

my board, her face and I

glide on her tears

and sling off her smile,

for seconds like these

I live, I breathe

and try to stretch life;

to here,

to be

on freedom’s edge

so far from the world

back with her,

lost at sea.

  
Copyright © Francisco Rebollo 2014

 
 


Monday 18 August 2014

MIND GAP (London Fireworks)


Public Domain Image
London Underground Tube Sign by Karen Arnold
 
Sitting on a train in London

One night, about 20 years ago,

I can’t remember

where I was headed or trying to go.

 

But I can definitely remember

that I was thinking of her once more.

 

About our tumbling on the floor, not even making the bed;

On how her breath was deep and quick

like a wild horse’s sway,

 of how she straddled me and how we galloped far, far away.

 

Every kiss and hiss of our encounter

I was trying to replay

in my mind

as the ‘tube’ rolled across an over-ground railway.

 

It was a memory / daydream already dear to me,

maybe because I already knew she’d leave me.

I loved re-living it in my head for my own joy,

like a movie on instant replay or in slow-mo.

 

Her breasts, her face,

her bum, her lips,

her voice, her breath,

her hair, her hips,

between her legs;

the mercury that boiled inside my veins.

 

But then the train bumped, I snapped out, looked up

and found someone sitting right across, sizing me up

A woman, the age… was hard to tell

Of Afro-Caribbean beauty her eyes and face.

 

She smiles at me and I just know

She’s looking deep into my soul,

as my thoughts she steals and savours;

she glows.

 

Her smile so white, her cheekbones high

They shine like apples under moonlight

Her eyes so shiny in the night-train’s glow

I know I’m busted, but don’t know how.

 

 ‘It’s not possible,’ ‘the mind’s a fortress;’

‘How can anyone penetrate my visual cortex?’

I tell myself:  ‘No one can see your thoughts,’

‘your dreams … your porno reels.’

 

For some reason I smile back, just in case;

but when the train stops I use the chance to escape

one station early, yet I alight

scuttling quick into the night,

pondering the strange gaze on her joyful, prying face.

 

As I walk under dark skies,

I can’t stop thinking, confused -even in a fright-

about the way she smiled, it seemed

that glee, could only come from reading me.

 

‘Not possible’ I say again

And file it under

‘Oh well / Whatever / anyway…’

 

After more goings-on that night,

I lie in bed still trying to think right

hoping that my mental movies of sexy things

are not somehow out there for all to see.

 

And with that thought, I flick the light.

 

Relaxing deep into a dream,

I float away with slumber’s streams

when, to my surprise: I’m back!

Again!

On the same train,

in front of my smiling lady friend.

 

Sitting once more in front of me

with that loving smile and shiny cheeks

Her hair’s still bound up in a wrap.

‘How can I travel in time while I nap?’

 

Impossible as it might seem,

we’re on the same train once more,

but this time, it rolls non-stop

there’s no one else and there is no door.

 

I shake with emotion, I try to talk

try to ask her something, anything at all;

but as I do she hushes me

and points at something outside to see:

 

The dark night view is exactly right

except that there are now fireworks in the sky.

On rooftops people are dancing free,

there’s joy and music, sex and glee.

 

 
Public Domain Image
Fireworks by Angie Perkins
 
 

Wishing I could remember more

I woke and wrote all of this down

all those long years ago.

 

And still, today I can’t decide,

whether she was a ghost inside my brain

when she first smiled at me on that train;

and only ever a real thing

watching me make love inside a dream.

 

WATCH WHAT YOU THINK

Copyright © Francisco Rebollo 2014
 


Public Domain Image
London Underground Tube Sign by Karen Arnold

 


 

 

 

 

 

Saturday 9 August 2014

Last Drop



 
 
 

Close my eyes, a scary world;

river far behind.

All the tears being dissolved,

deep inside my glass.

And this freedom; my ball and chain,

either swim or drown.

Mourning after – can’t remember.

Why am I feeling down?

 

Be prepared to start again

before you start to stop.

And be prepared to fall again

before getting up.

And mind ‘friend’ beware of people,

people who have guns.

And mind ‘enemy’ no mercy,

this is my last drop.

 

This is my last drop.

This is my wreath of roses

wrapped around my head.

 

Shut my eyes, a scary world;

river far behind.

Drank the river with devotion

the sea now on my mind.

The last raindrop, one step closer

straining underground.

‘Til the day the bottle’s empty

and freedom comes around.

 

Find freedom in the sound.

 

Close your eyes

a sea of darkness

is all you’ll ever see.
 
Copyright © Francisco Rebollo 1992, 2014



 

Sunday 27 July 2014

Blue


 


Fields unfolding like a dream,

Suns in the sky like tangerines;

Cloud says they’re right and it’s

True.

 

Shadows like veils,

Moon like a spoon;

Stars in the rite and it’s

New.

So what can you do?
 
Blue,

It’s all for you.

 

Drink up the light ‘cause it’s

True,

watching the blue.

Blue,
 dancing like you.

 
Copyright © Francisco Rebollo 2014

 

Sunday 20 July 2014

MH 017: All Alone

 
          As our hearts go out to the families of the victims of MH017, I cannot but feel deep disappointment –yet again- with the main stream media.
          As was the case with MH370 a few months ago, the MSM seem more interested in turning all of those families’ grief into ratings and newspaper sales, than in asking the difficult and relevant questions.
          Like: Why is nobody talking about the possibility of an air-to-air missile?
          Like: How can this bloody war be stopped at once?
          Like: What’s going to prevent this from happening again?
          Like: What are these ‘world leaders’ marching us towards with their macho talk?
 
          The MSM claim to know who pulled the trigger.
 
          At this point, I distrust anything they seem to state with apparent conviction.
          They turned the previous Malaysian disaster into a circus and they’re doing it again.
          Is it any wonder the MSM is on the backfoot with newspaper sales dwindling and more and more people turning away from corporate outlets?
          It is sickening to see blood-soaked headlines on tabloids seeking to capitalise on this atrocity.
          When it comes to the media asking the right questions, we’re all alone.
          When it comes to governments and the media preventing wars rather than fuelling them, we’re all alone.
          But when it comes to grieving the innocent victims of military brutality, people stand together; because human lives are what really matters to us; and there are many guilty parties and no easy answers.
 

Monday 14 July 2014

He, who lives

 

He, who lives; is he, who leaves

but he, who runs; is he, who ends up crawling, ends up crawling.

And he, who wanders off the path of man is

He, who has as friends the moon and stars.

 


I don’t know what you are,

I was thinking a friend, a lover,

a sister, daughter,

I will follow; I’m not falling down.

 

She, who gives me love

is she who listens;

she, who hears me out

and she’s not walking out.

 


Now I know what you are,

You’re the one who releases me, believes me,

Hears me, holds me, fires me up and chills me;

understands this war inside and loves me, listen,

I will follow; I’m not falling down.
 


She, who gives me love

is she who listens,

she, who hears me howl

like only she knows how.
Copyright © Francisco Rebollo 2014

 

 

Wednesday 9 July 2014

La Luna




Image by: Helen Barth Villareal. Public Domain. Public Domain pictures.net

Calladita en un rincón

la luna que vela ya.

 

Suspira el amanecer

la luna que vela ya.

 

Llevame contigo amor

mi luna que vela ya.
 
 





Copyright © Francisco Rebollo 1994